Friday, 25 May 2012

Quote For Today

"Treat me exactly as you would want me to treat you - exactly.Do not punish me ever. Teach me. Hold me. Love me. Trust that I, just like you, want to do what is right. Help me understand what I don't know. Don't call me names, or label me or compare me, or make me compete for anything. Help me cooperate and collaborate. Be the example for me."
 
~Bruce Scott

Tuesday, 6 March 2012

peaceful parenting: Why Spanking is Never Okay

peaceful parenting: Why Spanking is Never Okay: By Nestor Lopez-Duran, Ph.D. For Child Psych Posted with permission. The most recent issue of the journal of the American Academy of Pe...

Sunday, 5 February 2012

Paradigm Shift: My Journey From Pro-Circumcision to Intactivism

I have a memory of being a teenager and thinking to myself; "I hope I marry a circumcised man, because foreskin seems so complicated and unclean".

I couldn't tell you specifically how or why that idea formed in my head, but it did. And that's all there was to it; foreskin was a useless flap of skin and without it, penises looked better and were cleaner. If I were to have boys of my own someday, they would be circumcised, no question.

When I thought about what penises looked like, I always thought of them in their adult form. I had no memory really of changing any baby boys' diapers when I was younger and I didn't know what actually happened during a circumcision. No clue. I had also almost never heard anyone talk about it in my life and had really never given it much thought. I was very naive and ignorant, to say the least.

When I became pregnant I read all about pregnancy, birthing and breastfeeding. I ate healthy, exercised regularly, got plenty of rest. I wanted my baby to be healthy and I wanted to birth naturally. I read countless books and watched all kinds of videos preparing for the big day.

Not once did I read anything about circumcision. I didn't even Google it.

I thought it was a 'personal' choice and each couple just needed to decide what was 'right for them'. My husband and I discussed it a few times but couldn't really decide either way. 


I actually sometimes secretly wished my baby would be a girl so we wouldn't have to make the decision. 

By the end of my pregnancy, I was almost positive that I wanted to leave our son intact if we were to have a boy. It just seemed like the right thing for 'us' and my husband agreed.

We did end up having a boy, and not even 24 hours after his birth, my doctor very casually asked, "so are we circumcising?" I answered no and felt fairly confident with this decision, but in my postpartum emotional fog, I can't say for sure that I couldn't have been talked into it.  But no one tried.

We went home and as time went by I felt like we had made the right decision and thought my son was perfect the way he was born.

A few months later, the topic came up with some other moms (who had circumcised their babies) and they spoke very casually about it: "He handled it so well" "He slept through the whole thing" "It's better to do it when they won't remember" "We wanted him to look like his dad" "It's so much worse if they have to have it done when they're older".

I left the conversation thinking, 'maybe it's really not a big deal'. It tweaked my curiosity and I wanted to learn more.

I googled 'circumcision' and found a website called Peaceful Parenting. They had some information and even videos to watch of a circumcision being done. I hesitantly clicked on the link to the video and braced myself. However, nothing could prepare me for what I was about to see.

OH MY GOD.


This poor infant was naked and alone, arms and legs strapped down, crying hysterically while a physician inserted a probe underneath his foreskin and forcibly separated it from the glans, to which it was fused. 


I was horrified. 






Then the doctor took scissors and cut down the foreskin and proceeded to cut and crush the skin until all that was left of his penis was this tiny, raw, bleeding nub. 


THIS IS WHAT THEY DO TO BABIES? IN THEIR FIRST WEEK OF LIFE?


I will never be the same after seeing that. I thought circumcision was just a 'little snip'? How naive was I? 


I thought to myself, 'could it be that the majority of new parents and parents-to-be are just as naive to this as I was?' I could have done this to my child.


I started digging deeper trying to learn more and found more videos, more articles, and countless blogs of parents who had circumcised and regretted it; men, young and old, who were sad, disappointed and downright angry about what had been taken from them when they were circumcised as infants; and child's right groups dedicated to the cause; Doctors Opposing Circumcision, Mothers Against Circumcision, The Whole Network, and NOCIRC to name just a few. 


Could it be that I wasn't the only one who was deeply disturbed by this whole thing? 

I just couldn't believe that I didn't know about all of this. 

✂I did not know that the foreskin was more than 'just a flap of skin'. It is actually about 15 square inches  on a grown man (the size of a 3x5" index card). It is highly sensitized, containing over 20,000 nerves and serves a multitude of purposes.

✂I did not know that the foreskin is fused to the head of the penis at birth (to protect the underlying glans), similar to the way our fingernails are fused to our fingers. During a circumcision the foreskin must be forcibly separated from the head of the penis before the skin is removed, leaving a raw glans, which must then develop layers of callous in order to protect itself from urine, feces, and the constant friction from diapers and clothing.

✂I did not know that circumcision was affecting my sex life. An absence of foreskin significantly affects sexual function for a man and his partner. I always thought that the need for artificial lubricant and often feeling 'sore' or 'raw' after sex was normal. Now I know that it is not normal, as the circumcised penis functions very differently than an intact one, resulting in increased friction for the woman on her sensitive vaginal wall and a decrease in lubrication. It all made sense to me after viewing this article & video.

✂I did not know that each year approx. 117 babies die in the United States each year, and likely many more, but whose cause of death is listed as 'hemorrhage' or something that happened as a result of the circumcision, instead of the circumcision itself. One hundred percent of these deaths are preventable.

✂I did not know that less than 1% of intact males will ever choose or require circumcision later in life. Less than 1%!






I did not know that circumcision can have profound psychological effects that can last a lifetime. Psychologists have suggested for decades that what happens to us in the first 5 years of our lives, especially traumas, significantly impact who we will become. Circumcision is a trauma that will forever be engrained in a person's subconscious mind even though they will not remember it


I did not know that many babies appear to sleep or remain expressionless during a circumcision babies actually go into shock, as the body's way to cope with the trauma.

 
✂I did not know that circumcision can significantly compromise breastfeeding and bonding.


I did not know that there are thousands of men are trying to restore their foreskin to improve sexual function and sensation and regain at least some of what was lost.

✂I did not know that there are thousands of parents who chose to circumcise their sons who have went on to deeply regret the decision. These courageous parents are speaking out in record numbers in hopes of saving other parents from the same regret and from baby boys from having to endure this unnecessary traumatic surgery and having to live with an incomplete penis their entire lives.

I did not know any of these things, yet I had the power to make this decision for my newborn son. I am thankful every single day that no one tried to talk me into it. I am thankful that my circumcised husband was OK with being different from his son. I am thankful that my doctor also saw no benefit to being circumcised. Countless other parents, including some people very close to me did not become informed in time and now have to live with their decision for the rest of their lives. They (and their sons) have been failed by our medical system. 



This is why I speak out.


Intactivist: Someone who loves, honors, respects and protects the rights of the child to an intact body. Someone who sees genital mutilation -- of girls or boys -- as a contradiction to that fundamental human right. ~The Urban Dictionary


What is interesting to me is the taboo surrounding the subject. Why are people so afraid to talk about it or to question it? Is it for fear of being judged? Or is it because we are afraid of the truth? Perhaps it is just hard for our species to accept that something we have been doing for decades has now been disproven to have medical benefits and has robbed millions of babies, and thus men, of one of the most sensitive parts of their bodies, without their consent


The emotions that rose up in me on the day I watched that circumcision video were no different than the emotions I remember feeling as a teenager when I was watching a documentary film in which girls were having their genitals mutilated in Africa. I never, at that time, even considered that what we do to baby boys in our country might be just as violating and horrific. Now, I know that ethically, it is no different, but because of social custom, we often don't view it that way. 


"Being Ignorant is not so much of a shame as being unwilling to learn" ~Benjamin Franklin

What is really boils down to is this; it is not about who is right, but rather what is right. It is not about who's a 'good parent' or a 'bad parent' based on whether or not you circumcised your son(s). We really need to get past these judgments, so that we can see circumcision for what it really is.


It's time to have objective conversations about why this is still happening, even though it is not recommended by a single health organization in the world. 


It is also not an issue for only parents to consider, but for all people as it is about basic human rights.






I urge people on both sides of the debate to learn all they can, find the courage to question their current notions and beliefs about circumcision and really get to the root of all of those beliefs. We owe it to our baby boys, who are also our fellow human beings.

"I believe the time has come to acknowledge that the practice of routine circumcision rests on the absurd premise that the only mammal in creation born in the condition that requires immediate surgical correction is the human male." 
Thomas Szasz, M.D




With gratitude,
Lori






Thursday, 19 January 2012

At the Breast: A Child's Perspective

The womb is a calm and sacred space
I feel loved and secure in this peaceful place

But something tells me it's time to leave
My next destination, I have to believe

Will be just as safe as this place was for me
It won't be long now and I'll be able to see

I open my eyes; the world looks so bleary
After such a long journey, my body feels weary

This place is so strange, so bright and cold
Then I feel arms around me, securely take hold


There it is; that familiar voice! That smell!
My mother! At last, I know all will be well

She gently lays my head upon her soft breast
A comfortable landing; a place I can rest

Then something familiar I can feel and hear
Just a little more faint and a little less clear;

The smooth, steady rhythm of the fast-beating heart
Of my mother's strong body, which I was just a part

From my warm, safe landing, I look up at mom's face
I have not a doubt I belong in this place

There is something my body was born to expect
Her warm arms around me and to suckle at her breast

***
As I grow bigger and stronger, with each passing day
I like to explore and wiggle and play

Everything is so new and I often get sleepy
I get overwhelmed and then I get weepy

So mom offers her breast and suddenly I'm home
My stress melts away and I don't feel so alone

I look up at her and study her face for a while
Then break my latch so I can give her a smile

I feel her love, so tender and warm
And revel in this moment, sheltered from the storm
***
Now that I'm bigger, I don't nurse as much
I'm always busy running and playing and such

But at times that I'm sad or hurt or unsure
The breast is where I go to feel secure

Of the comfort and milk of mom's breast I've grown fond
But greatest of all is our heartwarming bond

One day I will not need mom's breast any longer
All the love in that milk has made me much stronger

I will grow up to be so healthy and clever
This sweet gift mom gave me will last me forever



~Lori Fletcher



Last photo credit: Jen McDougall, McBaby Photos, Prince Albert

peaceful parenting: Baby Sleep Positions

peaceful parenting: Baby Sleep Positions: Andy at How To Be a Dad recently wrote about the blurry eyed, early morning (or late night!) wake up to a little one staring you back in ...

Thursday, 5 January 2012

My Body Care Resolution/Revolution

Do you know what AMMONIUM ACRYLOYLDIMETHYLTAURATE/VP COPOLYMER IS? How about LINOLEAMIDOPROPYL PG-DIMONIUM CHLORIDE PHOSPHATE?

No? Me neither!

But they (whatever they are), along with 30 other ingredients I can't pronounce, are in the moisturizer I used to use, and they could very well be in yours too.

I know that what we put on our bodies is absorbed into our bloodstream. That means, that AMMONIUM ACRYLOYLDIMETHYLwhatever.......  is (or hopefully *was*) in my bloodstream. My moisturizer also contained METHYLPARABEN,  which has been found in many breast cancer tumours.

This scares the crap out of me.

I, like so many other North Americans wants to have soft, smooth skin. But at what cost? I, naively, have always just thought that Health Canada would be looking out for my best interest and would not allow dangerous ingredients to be added to products sold in Canada. WRONG! Upon doing some research, there are literally thousands of ingredients that are used in products sold in Canada that have not even been tested, let alone studied for years and years to determine long term effects and dangers.

***** 

I don't typically make New Year's resolutions. But last year, I did.

My goal was to make-over my body care products. I've been trying for years to "green" my products, but this time I was going to take it to a new level.

Here was my criteria for the big make-over:

  • Products had to contain ALL *natural ingredients, preferably with mostly (if not all) edible oils and butters, etc.
  • Products must contain a minimal number of ingredients (5 or less) to reduce fossil fuel consumption required to source ingredients from around the world.
  • Products must be 100% biodegradable, because after all, it all ends up in the water system!
  • Products must contain minimal packaging, and no (or very minimal) plastic.
  • Products must score a '1' or less on Skin Deep's Cosmetic Database.
*Natural can be defined a number of ways, but to me, it means ingredients derived from nature, particularly oils, butters and extracts (preferably edible) that are in their purest and least processed form possible. I know that is vague, and that crude oil is 'natural', but that is a post for another day:)


So, the first few months of my make-over was quite depressing really. My search for such products was a complete failure. Many *natural* products I found were crazy expensive, had one or two (or more) suspect ingredients such as "flavor" or "fragrance" and still contained lots of ingredients and/or excess packaging. I just wasn't satisfied.

So, I decided to make my own products! Yes, I was going to stand in my kitchen until my feet and back ached trying recipe after recipe, tweaking batch after batch, until I made something that was 'just right'. It meant lots of research and perseverance, but one day it all clicked.

At first, I thought this product I had made was perfect for my baby's bottom. It was smooth and creamy; created a light barrier to protect his skin and took care of the thrushy rash he would get every so often. I was amazed! So then, I started slathering it over his whole body after his baths, and on his chapped cheeks and red chin when he was especially 'drooly'. I started using it on myself too. My upper arms have always been 'bumpy', I often get razor burn, and I always have dry lips. After just a couple uses, my arms were smooth, itchy red razor burn was gone and my lips were soft. And, best of all, it was just 3 ingredients: Organic Fair Trade Coconut oil, Local Beeswax and Vitamin E.


I knew I wanted to green my products, and in the process found a way to reduce the number of products too. And not just a little either! My two major players in this process were Ancient Winds Naturals "All Purpose Salve" made by yours truly and my business partner, Raquel; and Norwex body cloths, another 'green' body care must have, in my books!

Here are the stats:


By using my All Purpose Salve and body cloths, I have now replaced a total of 8 products. EIGHT!


Lip Balm - 19 ingredients
Makeup remover -  I seldom use this as I typically go 'au naturel', but it did get used sometimes, so I will include it in the count -16 ingredients
Facial moisturizer - 33 ingredients
Facial cleanser - 52 ingredients (yes, really, this is not a typo!)
Body lotion - 10 ingredients
Baby lotion - 11 ingredients
Diaper ointment - 17 ingredients
Antiseptic ointment for cuts & scrapes - 9 ingredients


For a grand total of 167 ingredients.

167.

I'm kind of saddened by this. And disgusted. At the system. At myself.

I had bought into this idea that I needed all of this stuff. Yes, I live in a dry climate. Yes, my baby sometimes gets a sore bum. But really? 167 ingredients in 8 products?

I can't believe that not only did I buy into this notion that we need to have many products to achieve nice skin, but I also, for a short time, promoted it. When I was newly married just over 6 years ago, I lived in a new city where I had no friends. I signed up for a popular multi-level marketing skin care company in order to meet people and hopefully generate some income too. I followed along doing what I was told; selling and recruiting; and I quickly did quite well. The whole idea was getting people to buy more and more products! And the product really worked, so it was easy to sell. The main skin care line was four separate products, then there was the under-eye cream, microdermabrasion, and on and on. I was selling skin care systems to women that easily contained hundreds of chemicals.

I told women that they needed this.

Now I am telling them that they don't.

I'm not saying women shouldn't care about how they look; I am saying that women (and men) should care about what they are putting on (and ultimately in) their bodies.

I also had a pivotal moment when a lady in my 'up line' suggested I should be using the product that creates a more even complexion. I told her that I didn't want to lose my freckles, to which she replied, "you like your freckles?" I was taken aback and it really hit home for me that this simply was not the gig for me. I liked who I was, freckles and all and I wanted to empower other women, not make them feel inadequate. I am grateful, though, for that moment, as it was my cue to move on. And I have moved on and have completely removed all of their toxic products from my skin care regimen as well. When we know better, we do better.


"The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak." - Hans Hofmann


For myself and my family, I wanted to find something that really works. I wanted something that contained few ingredients. I wanted to use fewer products. I wanted my products to be packaged in a responsible way. I wanted to be able to feel good about the ingredients in my products. Period.



And, I achieved that. Not in the way I thought I would; but I did it!

My bathroom is much less cluttered and when I travel, my bag is much lighter. And I have no doubt, my body is less toxic!



And it has, seemingly overnight, blossomed into a thriving business. I honestly feel like we are not just adding another product into the already saturated body care market, but rather promoting a lifestyle that is about simplicity, conscious living and using less. In turn, I hope that in using our All Purpose Salve, people can use fewer products overall; which means less waste, less plastic, less clutter and fewer toxins, in our bodies and on our planet. And people can also feel good about what they are putting on their bodies, and their precious children as well. To me, it just feels 'right'!

With gratitude,
Lori

If you would like to learn more about our All Purpose Salve and all 28+ ways to use it,  "Like" us on Facebook! We also update regularly with ideas and information on safe cosmetics and body care, conscious living, new retail locations, giveaways, and product updates.

If you are already using our salve, we would love to hear from you!

Wednesday, 4 January 2012

peaceful parenting: Circumcision: What I Wish I'd Known

peaceful parenting: Circumcision: What I Wish I'd Known: The following is written by one of our heroes, Marilyn Fayre Milos , who is the founder of the National Organization of Circumcision Informa...
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